Grandma...

so grandma is in the hospital, again.

Last few years hospital is just like another home for her, getting her into the ER last Sat - actually on her birthday - was kinda terrible. Actually every single time she went into the hospital kinda scare me - not that I'm "black heart' or things like that, I just know that it could be her time any time... it can happen to anyone anywhere any time... but I still feel very scared to loss her.... sooner or later I know it'll come - it's just been so long since I lost grandpa.. I'm not sure if I'll be able to go through it any time...

I went to the hospital yesterday... she was still feeling ill, better than the day she got in the ER though. all of a sudden I don't know what to say to grandma anymore. seeing her so "helpless" and I can't do nothing... seeing her so weak made me felt so "sour" from the bottom of my heart... she asked me things, just like every time she see me, what I do at work, when will Ceci come back.. things like that... just many little daily life thing. But then she couldn't eat much, and after a while she got so exhausted that she need another rest.

Reminds me of the dying Morrie in "Tuesdays with Morrie". I kept telling myself she's NOT leaving that soon, but then, just like Yoda said, "life & death is just part of life"... I should learn how to accept it as part of life...

:(

Mom went to the hospital today... she said that grandma looks better today, still didn't eat much, yet talk a lot more, asking this and that.... one of the "scary" thing is that she kept saying there's a kid sitting on the opposite bed - while in real it's just a old lady/guy (can't really tell as she/he has an oxygen mask on) . that's scary, like those mentioned in the movie - dying ppl seeing spirits and things like that. Of course I told mom just take it in an easy way, just kidding & things like that. You might say superstitious we're, yet I know deep down our hearts we don't feel comfortable about this.

I saw mom's eyes are kinda red when I got home.. I ain't sure if it has anything to do with this....

All of a sudden I'm afraid to keep my mobile off (my number is the 2nd on hospital's contact list after mom's). I'm afraid the hospital might call or sth like that. I'm scared....

I remember a long time ago when I was back in Purdue, it was a wkend morning, I called grandma (used to call her once a wk when I'm not in HK - how ironic?! I called her more frequent back then than I'm physically in HK now!) Anyhow, I remember that morning I called grandma and she was feeling sick - and I just totally upset b/c mom was not in HK, and stupid uncle has no where to be found.. I was so worried about her b/c no one nearby can take care of her that moment - I remember I called ed - of course that's not much he could have done, but having someone to talk to did comfort me I guess.

I just hope grandma will be okay.....